What is your passion?

Work hard. If you work hard you'll conquer anything. This time is for you to learn something.
Those are words that i used to said to my younger self. Like 7-10 years a go?

I've switched job, switched work place, but i think i never really know what my passion is. I just work hard. I just tried to do my best. But when things got rough and i feel like i can't handle it anymore. I give up. Back then, i've always thought about resign. But for years i couldn't do it because of some reasons.

When i think i've got my calling job, i finally resigned. My friends told me that he has some projects for me in my hometown. So, i decided to go back to my hometown, take care of my parents, while prepare myself to be a lecturer. But things wasn't going smooth. I was unemployed for almost two years. Well, i did some freelance projects. But it wast like dor 3-4 months. The other months spent for my volunteer works and taking care of my parents.

Now, i am lecturer. But things are not going well. I never imagined being lecture is this hard. I was thought about teaching only. I forget the other aspects. And just in moths after i started this work, i feel unmotivated. I don't know why am i doing this. I often question my choice. Is this the life that i really want to? I've spent my 20's working like no tomorrow. Why should i work like that in my 30's too? 

I fell like the load of my works just as same as my previous jobs. But it worst when i looked at my bank account. Why i do this job? Why i choose this? Why can't i live a fancy, independent, and perfect life like i imagined.

These days, i often question myself .... why do i work so hard? why do i always give my best? Why do people keep expect me to handle such big thing?

I want to be free. But, i never really know what my passion is. When things got really hard, i thought that teaching students is my passion. Contribute to others is my calling. I thought i like teaching and learning. But now, i start to think that i was just running away. Or maybe i like them as hobbies. Not for something i do as a professional. I'm afraid, if i switch my job again, i will be in this situation again.

Lately, i feel like i'm doing things without passion at all. Just do it. It is your responsibility. I keep telling myself that.

Is this how we live in our 30s?